Expression of feelings is one of those aspects of life that most men think weakness.
In fact, it’s probably hardly surprising. It is not necessary to be seven spans in a forehead to guess when the little man almost from the cradle are told “you’re the man! You have to be strong”, then growing up, he no longer wonders whether he has the right to weakness. It does not! And to the point. And the expression of feelings is one of those aspects of life that most men think weakness.
However, this is a great exaggeration to think that all this nonsense inspired the boy in the cradle. This happens a little later. Usually somewhere from 5 to 8 years. That is, yesterday he could cry, fear, complaining, and then suddenly, boom — and impossible.
And this, mind you, in age, relatively speaking, 6 years old, when the child, regardless of sex, in principle, still not able to control emotions and behave in an adult way.
If to call things by their proper names, to force the child to cry, or worse, the impulses of tenderness is psychological abuse, pure and simple. It’s the same thing, under penalty of telling him not to blink. And the boy, of course, try. Will keep my eyes open as I can, because for him the parents is almost deity. He is totally dependent on them. His whole self-all well-being rests on their approval. And you can get it, if “being a man” in an age when even the voice of the “break” began.
I have the feeling that we want to grow a Viking. Or Spartan warriors. Which will face a bloody battle and perpetual deprivation. In this case, such claims were at least justified, and therefore justified. But we are also talking about modern children, the only difficulty which will be the decision of daily household problems! Why do they need to be tough Vikings?
Many fathers (and some mothers) think that they produce strength and durability, raise “real man”. It’s clear that most people never thought about the justification of this approach to the child. Usually their educational methods – just a mirror reflection of how they did their own parents. Well them for anything yet innocent child, all these come down from the depths of the dark ages of the installation, by itself, absorbs and drags on, into adulthood. So, as we understand it, ever to bring down on the head is his “heir”. The circle is closed. An eternal story.
But it was, shall we say, only the beginning. And then we will talk about what comes out of this.
And here is the time to mention that anybody under one comb to row is not going. Men, like women, are different. And some speak about the feelings and willing to Express them. Moreover, not only aggression (it no problems), and all (or nearly all) range of feelings. But the average for the chamber at the men with such things often occur great difficulties. And women’s dissatisfaction in this regard is justified and understandable: they want not only the presence of the men nearby, but also emotional commitment from him. It is not only natural, but necessary for a deep relationship. But the point ridicule men for coldness and taciturnity, when it comes to feelings, there is no. Not to mention the fact that it is at least unfair.
Well, imagine that you childhood priest tied to one leg, and then foisted a crutch: so they say, and go. And an option to refuse you have. Therefore, regardless of, whether to walk or not, you were used to. First, clumsily hobbled, and over time he adapted and learned to live with one cocked leg and a crutch. And then you suddenly not only the leg untied, but also a steel crutch from his hands to wrest. That, they say, for such hideousness! Why are you jumping on one leg like an invalid? Let’s stop screwing around and go to a bright future! On my own two feet!
That there would not shout, you, of course, just collapse to the ground – foot-long atrophied. And without a crutch in any way. So you, of course, will be to the loss of pulse to fight for your own crutch. Because without it, you are, in fact, truly disabled.
And now let’s remember a billion and then some of the stereotypes that we face every day, when the man suddenly gave vent to feelings. Say, began to cry. For real this time. With tears. What is the first thought? “Like a woman”. In the best case, “went through”. But if, for example, he allowed himself to Express uncertainty. Or fear. Who is he? Right! “Rag”!
Well, considering the rest are actively imposed on the attributes of masculinity (power, control, success, always and everywhere), it is not surprising that many men simply tightly shut down. This is the same crutch. They have no choice: show emotions or fear — just write down rags. Or in gay men. Because all this – “not manly”. Tenderness, love, fear, anguish — is a women’s turf. And he expected life to be a Terminator. If you do not in the aggregate quality, at least in the absence of emotion.
But because of that he was, for many years worked almost the whole world! From parents (at least fathers) and family (in childhood) to the rest of the environment and of women who he came across, already in adulthood. If the person to shame and punish certain emotions, it can unlearn them not only to Express but also feel! He might be a kind of emotional atrophy. What in childhood was “I can’t cry, I’m a man!” over the years, turns into “I can’t feel, I’m not a woman”.
So the most important thing to do in this regard to understand the beautiful half of humanity, that if a man tells you about his feelings, it’s a very good chance that it is not from lack of love. Often the reason is much simpler. And much worse. He really can’t!
Don’t know how. Not taught. How could he take the words, if he never spoke? Where to get the understanding that all his life he has blocked?
Yes, of course, are just hard-hearted people, and not only men. Insensitive, cold, indifferent. And only you can understand, this is your man or not. But if you saw some cracks in his “iron mask”, and now want to see new, require him to remove it that means asking for the impossible.
What to do?
There is no patience in any way. What Russian well, the German death. I mean, that to women as naturally as breathing (are we still talking about the expression of feelings), for many men – quite a feat. To prepare for who they are yet.
So if the man decided to embark on the difficult path to emotional repair, do not forget to thank him for his efforts. Even small progress is a reason to rejoice. Aloud. Bright. Maybe even violently. And if he suddenly allowed himself to cry in your presence is a giant step forward. And it is very important to understand what price he was given to tears. Be thankful to him for finally their confidence. And don’t forget your gratitude to him to say it aloud. Something like “I’m so expensive, that you could open up to me that you are sincere with me.” BUT! Keep in mind that if the dam breaks, it will flow not only water, with her on the expanse of the sand, stones and trash. If he starts to show feelings after years of emotional seclusion, to the fullest. I mean, it will be not only positive emotions, but also all the rest that he previously had to keep. It’s either all or nothing. So you have to be ready for anything. Until he can find a new balance between the huge range of feelings which were previously either driven deep inside, or altogether blocked.
And last: you will not be able to change it. Again: you will not be able to change it. The formula “I will do so-and-so, and everything will work out” does not work. You can’t control the development of the person. The maximum that can in such a situation to make the woman, is not to interfere and to help him to develop in a new field – emotional But if a man refuses to “swing” the sphere of feelings, that will not change, no matter how you around it danced.
So patience to you. And good luck. Sincerely.