Spouses can establish their relationship, if they honestly make the effort? Yes, of course, can.
But you have to understand the way to serious challenges. And the most difficult challenge is, perhaps, the effect of “What the hell?!”
The effect of “What the hell?!”
This effect was opened by the researchers, Janet A, Peter Herman and Rajbir Deo in 2010. They studied the behavior of people on a diet and conducted an interesting experiment. Participants were asked to eat a slice of pizza, and then allowed to taste the cookies.
The catch was this. The pizza slices were the same, but the cunning experimenters have convinced some participants that those who ate large slices of pizza (more than others).
As a result, those who believe that bloated, ate — attention! — more cookies than those who thought that they ate small pieces of pizza.
The effect of “What the hell!” that’s about it — some violating your vow, we usually fall into despair under the slogan: “it’s still not out, why the hell would I bother?!”.
The effect works, as you know, not only in diet but also in respect of any behaviors that require willpower.
For example, you gave a vow not to go anymore to the Internet (not to play on the computer, not to yell at the child, do not leave dirty dishes in the sink and not clutter up the table, not to quarrel with the husband/wife do not spend money on stuff not to miss training and so on). Gave and broke.
Here there appears the effect of “What the hell?!”. You start to feel guilty, to blame, to chastise, to castigate, and in the same spirit. In this side by side rude despair — you failed, you failed, you spineless, etc.
The conclusion from this is simple and obvious — burn it all blue flame, if not, there is nothing to continue.
“All is lost!..”
The same happens with spouses. Here they realized that love’s not enough, and they have a lot of quarrels and scandals, which are both upset, but still arise. Understood and agreed that today would behave, solve problems peacefully, without scandals and quarrels.
For two weeks everything was fine, then suddenly! — everything went downhill. Swearing, breaking dishes, screaming and verbally kicking each other where it hurts.
What do married people do? This: “still nothing came of it, why the hell bother?!”.
Each spouse thinks they have failed, no point in continuing no more that all this is useless and stupid that “we have different personalities, and we don’t fit together” that “we just can’t be together” and all in the same spirit.
And they’re getting a divorce.
Although it could be happy together.
Nothing terrible has happened.
The effect of “What the hell?!” is not omnipotent. Moreover, to circumvent it quite easily.
What do you need? The smallness is the right attitude.
People, faced with this effect somehow believe that once is enough to make the decision to do or not to do something, and nothing else to do.
Decided not to eat sugar — and don’t eat. Decided not to check his wife’s phone — and all without going to check.
But it is actually arranged is not so.
Between the decision and the result is a huge job. The new behavior is rarely easy. You need to make the effort to train, to improve skills and so on.
Let me explain by example:
– Imagine that a young man decided to catch up fifty times in one setting. Went to the bar and pulled up only eight times. Should he be upset? No, not worth it. He should continue the exercises.
– But let us continue our thought experiment. Here is our hero for three days and pulled into a third pulled ten times. Progress? Progress! Just as the couple, who have two weeks did not swear.
– On the fourth day our hero went to the bar with a firm confidence that he will do eleven pull-UPS. And made only six! It is a failure! What the hell now to try, if still does not work?!
Should I be upset? The mind, of course, not worth it. The boy had a normal pullback, which is an integral part of any learning, development or training. For example, many little children just learned to walk, at some point again down on all fours and crawl a few days without trying to rise to his feet. And then go back.
If our hero knew that kickbacks are an inevitable part of learning, he would not be upset, and would be relaxed (perhaps even happy).
The effect of “What the hell?!” overcome relaxed attitude.
That’s what our spouses could say to themselves and each other after the quarrel:
“Yes, we quarreled after two weeks of the world. Yes, we lasted only two weeks. Nothing to worry about! It is not so easy to change familiar patterns of behavior. We will train on!
And for a further period of no fighting, our spouses will last for three weeks. But then again, they quarrel. And then again say to yourself: “Nothing terrible! It is not so easy to change familiar patterns of behavior. We will train on!
And the next period without quarrels will only last for a week (Yes a week). But our spouses would tell each other: “do not worry! It is not so easy to change familiar patterns of behavior. We will train on!
And the next period without quarrels will last for a month.
And so on and so on and so forth.
It is important only to understand that change takes time, what an easy walk it will not work, setbacks and failures — an inevitable and normal part of the change. And that’s all. Then the effect of “What the hell?!” not terrible.
Total. When the couple attempt to mend relations, it is important to understand that in this way there will be setbacks and failures. They are an inevitable and integral part of the changes, and we must treat them accordingly. If you managed to survive without fighting for two weeks — this is good! Continue to work, and periods of no fighting will be longer.